Why? Because It's My Blog And I Fuckin Love This Picture.

If My Nozzle Volume 6: If My Nozzle Was A Baby Koala

"What the nay-sayers don't understand is that this election has never been about me. It's been about you." - Barack Obama

And the same goes for "If My Nozzle." Suggesting that attractive women replace objects in their hands and mouths with my nozzle would be meaningless if it didn't open up a dialog, and foster a tangible sense of community.

I'm pleased to announce my first ever reader-suggested "If My Nozzle" entry. The honor belongs to Christian Hayden, who suggested via email that I replace a baby koala with my nozzle, not because he's one of my best friends and doesn't have much on his plate right now, but because, like so many of us, he often thinks with his nozzle.

This close friend and loyal reader is proof of what I've been saying for years: if those of us fortunate enough to enjoy the luxuries of internet access and copious free time invest ourselves wisely, the wealth from our nozzles will trickle down.

At this time I'd like to send out an open call to action for anyone who reads this blog to submit your own suggestions for "If My Nozzle," via email to brendantmclaughlin@yahoo.com. Because this isn't about my nozzle; it's about all of yours( ' ?).

Today's Google "How To:" How To Fold A Towel Into Looking Like A Cat That Died Licking Its Own Balls

"How to fold a Towel Cat..."

Like anyone would immediately recognize the term "Towel Cat" without seeing a picture of a towel folded into something vaguely resembling a cat. "Oh! A Towel Cat! Of course! Before I came to this cocktail party, I made a Towel Something I Ran Over In My Car. By that I mean that when I threw a wet towel on the ground after drying off my balls when I got out of the shower, it kind of looked like something I ran over in my car."


"AND impress your guests."

"You know Rick, your place is incredible, your wife made a delicious roast, and it was a real treat to watch the game on your 77 inch flat screen... But what REALLY got me was the Towel Cat!"


"...often used by cruise lines and bed and breakfast motels to make your stay more memorable."

Bed and Breakfast MOTELS? Wait wait wait! That hybrid exists?! On my next trip, I could stay in a place where I have to live with people I don't know in their home AND there are pubic hairs and condom wrappers under and behind anything that would involve moving something if anyone were to thoroughly clean it?! I could get raped AND get the flu?!?!?! I could nail my secretary while smelling fresh pancakes being cooked for me just down the charmingly rickety flight of stairs? Where do I sign? Oh, what's that Bed And Breakfast Motel? You don't like to keep written records of guest transactions because so many people get raped and murdered here? Can you show me how to make a towel cat after I dry off my balls?

Epiphany

I just realized that in the expression "Standing Room," the word "Room" represents designated space in which it's ok to stand, and not an entire room whose function it is to allow people to stand in it. I'll definitely think of that the next time I'm tired, uncomfortable, ripped off, and surrounded by assholes while straining to see and hear one of my favorite musicians.

British Secret Service Looks To Overcome The Stereotype That Their Agents Get Laid

These are different times. It's all a part of the "identify known terrorists and pay close attention to their facebook status" plan.

"Achmed is: off to flight school! ;) ;). leave me love. cell's good!"

The Real Deal

I certainly didn't know him but the ones who are that good make you feel like you do. Butch Cassidy made me wish I was a bank robber, The Sting made me wish I was a con artist, and Cool Hand Luke made me wish I was really really handsome.

He had beauty but backed it up with talent. He could take something that should have been lame like the bicycle montage in Butch Cassidy and totally sell it. Instead of being jealous of him for getting to ride around on a bike with Katharine Ross on his handle bars, I was jealous of Katharine Ross for getting to hang out with Paul Newman.

He put great stuff into the world and helped a ton of people. There aren't many actors like that or people like that. The only thing he didn't do was make delicious cookies. Oh wait - he fucking did that too.

R.I.P. Paul Newman. The world is a lot better because of you and really different without you. I wish I had gotten to meet you.

How Kooky Does THAT Sound?!

And The Riddler!  And The Tin Man!  And The Scarecrow!  And Scrooge!  And Sherlock Holmes!  And Casper!  And Groucho Marx!  And Harpo Marx!  And Laurel or Hardy (whichever one isn't fat because he wouldn't gain weight)!  And Wyatt Earp (but kooky)!  And Doc Holiday (Kilmer did it kooky but who cares?!)!  And Edgar Fucking Allen Poe!  Oh my God!  How has the fucker not played Edgar Fucking Allen Poe yet?!?!  Fuck!  And speaking of Edgar, Gimme a J!  Gimme An Edgar!  Gimme a Kooky-Ass-Closeted-Cross-Dressing Hoover!!!!!  Yes please!  And how in God's name did Meryl Streep beat the bastard out for the role of Julia Child?!?!  Is there no justice in the world?!  And speaking of justice, why isn't he playing The Green Hornet?!  And what about a remake of The Pink Panther?!  They already did that?!  Do it again!!!!  Because He's Kooky And He Takes Something You Know And Does It Like You Don't Know It In His Kooky Way And He Looks Like A Million, No A Billion Bucks!  How many movies has he done with Tim Burton?!  Not enough!  That's how many!  Where can he go from here?!  I'll tell ya where he can Van Go(gh)!!!!  That's right!  Being deep and painting stuff and chopping your ear off!!!  If that's not kooky, then I'll be a monkey's uncle!  Hey!  He could play that!  The Man In The Yellow Hat in a remake of - They did that already?!?!?!?!  Do I look like I give a shit?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!

...

If you're kooky every time, it's just not kooky.

In The Company Of Mavericks

I know what I want in my next leader, and I'm not alone.

That's right, a MAVERICK!  A loose cannon.  Someone who dances to the beat of his own drum...

Whether that person hates Jews, belongs in an institution, is going to die and leave a moronic ass in charge, or is listened to by my father is neither here nor there.

Breaking News: Worst Director Ever Has A Terrible Idea

If My Nozzle Volume 5: If My Nozzle Were A Fern

Does anyone enjoy this feature besides me? Doubtful; but sometimes you just have to listen to your inner-nozzle.

FINALLY - Some Lemonade!

If that's not a light at the end of the tunnel, I don't know what is!

"I'm A... Mulatto?"

Jerry Seinfeld's having good laugh! Not at this irony though - he's watching a great Seinfeld re-run.

You Know It Was Nasty If It Grossed Out A Chinese Guy

Wait a minute! China has a food safety chief?

The article says the smell was unbearable... Have't they been to Chinatown?

Isn't This Old News?

. . .





Can I get a HEL-LLLO!!?!?!

As If Oral Sex Wasn't Hard ENOUGH!

Am I RIGHT fellas???

Doctor My Eyes

I just got glasses for the first time. It's been an interesting transition, and one that was long overdue.

The grass is greener. The leaves are crisper. The tits are bouncier, and no longer need to be squinted at.

To help put this life change in perspective, I made a mix of eye-sight related songs that I'll never "see" the same way again. It's given me a lot to think about during my new four-eyed commute. Here it is:

1. I Saw Her Standing There - The Beatles (So did I!)

2. I'd Rather Go Blind - Ella Fitzgerald and later Rod Stewart (No I wouldn't. That would suck.)

3. Have You Seen Her Face? - The Byrds (I have NOW!)

4. The Lisa Loeb Catalog (I can TOTALLY relate to her stuff now. Wait, she only has two songs, right?)

5. I'm Looking Through You - The Beatles (I still can't do that, and neither can Jakob Dylan)

6. Lyin' Eyes - The Eagles (My eyes don't lie, but people who say this song doesn't suck do.)

7. Blinded By The Light - The Boss (Douches ARE pretty loose...)

8. Several Thousand - Jim Boggia (Every time he SEES her he's exaulted... Plus Jim has poor vision.)

9. I Can See For Miles - The Who (Let's not get carried away...)

10. The Buddy Holly Catalog (Because now that I have clear vision, there's less chance of me causing a plane crash if I ever choose to become a pilot. ... What?????)

Chances Of Another Hulk Movie As Narrow As Norton's Skull

"The minds of Marvel are sometimes opaque," Norton told MTV News. "I won't say [they're] obtuse, but I don't have any idea what they want to do."

Asshole.

Today's Google "How To": Two Things I'll Never Need To Know How To Do

I know I've been picking on Google "How To" a lot lately. They've been great sports about it. It is pretty risky considering Blogspot is powered by Google, but that's the benefit of having an unpopular blog that nobody knows or cares about.

What can I say? It's doing for Fall '08 what the Yahoo images that inspired "If My Nozzle" did for Summer '08: being un-challenging to make fun of (something I've been doing since Winter '86).

New York Post Movie Critic Lou Lumenick Assaults Can't-Talk-Can-Barely-Move-Dying-Of-Cancer-Most-Respected-Person-In-His-Field-66-Year-Old

Lumenick's worst crime: Liking "Crash."

Today's Google "How To": How To Not Know How To Address 9/11

Even Afghani Whistle-Blowers Need A Chuckle

And some guy's balls...

Heart Of Darkness: Activities To Avoid While All Your Friends Are Hanging Out With Their Significant Others

1. Going to Ikea. This is where fresh young couples go to begin their lives as joint-consumers. You won't want to watch them pick stuff out for their shared homes, make out on escalators and buy cribs named Stephan for babies named Stephan.

2. Anything that starts or ends with a bus ride

3. Calling said friends. They'll sense your desperation for human contact, and it's not fair to guilt them into inviting you along and preventing them from getting laid. Imagine if you were having a good time, and then YOU showed up...

4. Anything near a body of water. Angels named Clarence have bigger fish to fry.

5. Calling the ex. She's busy with your friend. HE-LLLO!!!

6. Anything indoors.

7. Anything outdoors.

8. Jerking off

9. Actually, you should jerk off.

10. Going to the grocery store - but that probably isn't on your radar, because you only eat takeout.

11. Ordering takeout. This isn't the time to be laughed at by Chinese women who think it's funny that you order the same thing every time.

12. Exercising. I mean, you should do this, but I know you won't, so I'll be a bro and say you shouldn't.

They Got Rarmis?!?!

Mistakes are so funny... I must BE one!

Google "How To" Reaches Out To People Who Would Never Read Google "How To"

When you click on the link, it brings you to a page that says, "Coke and Pussy."

And The Punchline Magazine Stand-Up Of The Day Is...

Me.

Many thanks to Dylan Gadino for featuring my Comix set on the front page of his very awesome online mag, for which I've been proudly doing some on-the-side blogging for some time now. Check out Punchline Magazine, or go straight to my set here. Livin' 2'Getha is up there too in Punchline's Comedy Space section.

September 5, 2008 will definitely have a place in the high-speed memory montage that I experience on my deathbed.

Google "How To" Reaches Out To Young Men Confused By Their Sexuality

Livin' 2'Getha on youtube

This is Livin' 2'Getha, a short I made a while back. I just got around to putting it on youtube. If you haven't seen it yet, enjoy. If you have, I recommend watching again, as there are a lot of things you might not have picked up on the first time (quite possibly mistakes).

Thanks to Jake, Erich and Christian.

If you're tickled by the theme song, and I know you are, that's "Livin' 2'Getha", written and performed by 2/3 of the rock combo, Goodness Gracious. Visit their myspace here.

Barack Obama Fucked His Cousin! Oh Wait, That Was Rudolph Giuliani

Trust me, it's been researched...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rudolph_Giuliani

(At least I was on Wikipedia, and not fucking my cousin.)

If My Nozzle Volume 4: If My Nozzle Produced One Of The 9 Foods That Helps Babes Burn Fat...

Again with the citrus...



Also:



All right.



Jaws 5: This Time It's Doable

If My Nozzle is powered by Yahoo and my nozzle.

Mrs. McCain Rocks RNC

This blog is getting pretty political. I feel my audience starting to pull away. It's not that I care about politics, it's just that my roommates have had a lot of convention coverage on the tube lately and it's hard not to get caught up in the whole circus. It's even leaked into my stand-up material.

At a recent show, I opened by shouting, "Raise your hand if you have health care! ... That's not enough hands!"

I couldn't see the audience, I don't think I gave them enough time to get their hands up, and I was way too worked up to count anything... Still, it really got my point across, even if it wasn't funny.

I promise my next few posts will be about jerking off and the like.

Palin And Phelps Do Corporate Modeling For Extra Scratch

A job she's actually qualified for... HE-LLO!


G Chat with Lance Armstrong:

SoManyGoldMedalsMyMotherStoppedCaring08: hey bro

Cancer'NPussy99: what up

SoManyGoldMedalsMyMotherStoppedCaring08: nm. u?

Cancer'NPussy99: just got back from a shirtless jog with mcconaughey and gyllenballs.

SoManyGoldMedalsMyMotherStoppedCaring08: nice. next time give me a call. im always up for a jog

Cancer'NPussy99: or a swim!

SoManyGoldMedalsMyMotherStoppedCaring08: lol

Cancer'NPussy99: cancer