No: Volume 1

No.

This Is Not My Lovely Wife

Or more importantly, why is that lady in the top hat hitting on your son?

If I'm going to even consider buying your product, you'll have to give me a hotter wife.

It Was Dickiness Killed The Beast

It's good to see some steadfast integrity coming out of Alaska with this city council member's strict adherence to the state's "Snowzilla" clause. Better to squash a town-full of little kids' sense of wonderment and imagination than... (INSERT ANY POSSIBLE RISK THAT COULD RESULT FROM THE PRESENCE OF A REALLY BIG SNOWMAN).

Governor Sarah Palin signed off on the killing of Snowzilla... Then when she went home saw her husband Todd on the couch, she said, "Hey, what are you doing here???"

Even Better Than The Reel Thing

For months now, people have been stopping me on the street and saying, "Hey, B: Your comedy has given me so much... The only thing better seeing you live or watching one of your sets online would be watching highlights from multiples sets strung together seamlessly with smoothvideo transitions."

Check out my new reel. Thanks to Alex Russek for putting it together.

If My Nozzle Volume 18: If My Nozzle Were That Tie, That Fake Tan Spray, Or If My Wrist Was One Of Her Wrists

After a couple-of-month hiatus, here's another edition of If My Nozzle, courtesy of Dylan Gadino, editor of Punchline Magazine. Let's all hate ourselves for wanting to lay this mediocre actress/multi millionaire who is still passive aggressively bitching about getting dumped four years ago.

They Used To Rule The World

Coldplay stole the melody from Joe Satriani... Then they stole the lyrics from a retarded guy.

Wait - Irish People Aren't Healthy?

The situation is especially dangerous, because most of the country eats pork and nothing else.

Who would have thought Irish breakfast could be worse for you?

Shut Up: Volume 1

Shut up.

And The "Band With Too Much Money Trying Too Hard Award" Goes To...

This is what I can remember from that album I paid $15 for and only listened to once because it sucked:

Title: Viva La Album Title Is Taken From One Painting And The Album Cover Is Of A Painting, But Not The Painting We Named The Album After... We're Idiots.

Track Listing:

1. Would you think we're smart if we did an instrumental?

2. Organs and Bells (& Whistles!)

3. Violet Thing

4. Strawberry Thing

5. Chinese Thing

6. Japanese Thing

7. Indian Sounding Thing

8. You Think You Might Be A GHOST! (dedicated to Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense)

9. One song that was all right

10. Would you think we're smart if we had a hidden track?

11. What about two of them?

12. I'll rhyme anything with anything as long as it rhymes

Alaska: Our Most Potent State

If this kid is anything like its parents' T.V. show, it will have a lot of retarded baby sitters... Get it?! Only idiots will watch it!!!

The Human Heart

He paused for a moment, then added, "Oh and I'd still fuck her if she lost more weight."

Are Bygones Bygones?

He says he feels like he's being wrongly fucked in the ass...

Now's Sheryl Crow's Chance

Serendipitously, Crow will be in France at the same time promoting her new album, "Remember When You Had Cancer, Then You Left Me When I Got Cancer?"

Theft I Can Believe In

The rush of stealing that guy's license was almost as incredible as the joy of jerking off to it every night since.