Journey vs. Destination: The Perils of Road Head

It's hard to say no, but let's face it: a man's not gonna get where he's going when faced (that'srightiwentthereagain!) with that much sensation behind the wheel. We've seen it time and again.

History, entertainment, literature... Fellas, how many expensive cars and nasty babes do we have to destroy before we understand that when one part of our brains is turned on, another part is switched off.

"Oh yeah, just like that," will never be followed by "Hey, a red light."

"I'm so close! Oh I'm gonna tap that ass!" is never uttered in the same breath as, "That obstruction is pretty close. I better tap my breaks."

A "WHAT'S that?!" of dirty menace seldom doubles as a "What's THAT?" of caution.

I'm all for savoring the journey, but to me that means anticipating the destination; not having the destination bobbing on my weiner before I can appreciate it. I'd rather follow the rainbow and hope for a warm pot of gold at the end of it. I don't want to get there and find my prize money already spent. And people get hurt.

"Hey Warden, Andy Dufresne's Innocent!"

He created 'NSYNC, AND he ratted out a fellow inmate. This guy must be quite a hit in prison.

I guess a guy who made his fortune master-minding boy bands must not know much about NOT getting fucked in the ass.

They Couldn't Afford the House They Got For Free.

After one or two bad loans, the house this family had built for them as a T.V. gift is no longer in their possession. All that work undone...

In a related story, one of the straight dudes from Queer Eye was spotted buying dungarees from Marshalls.

The Next Bad Robin Williams Movie!

It sounds like the mother is a busy executive who was going to move the daughter to London. This was too much for the cooky, no-one-takes-him-seriously, still-reeling-from-the-divorce dad to take.

Why not make it a full Mrs. Doubtfire reunion and cast Sally Field as the mother? Just add Dakota Fanning as the daughter and you've got yourself a hit! The girl from Matilda can... run craft services?

Sigh of RELIEF!

This is a couple whose happiness was really bothering me. It's nice to see them get what was coming to them.

Sometimes guys like that, who believe in things like "romance" and "courage," "the existence of love" and "not dying alone" really just need a swift kick in the nut-sack to keep them in check. All the word-of-mouth organic viral marketing in the world can't save you, big guy. Babes were being Just Friends long before you could scan drawings into you computer for interweb broadcast. Heck, it could have been a cave painting.

"Everybody's gotta learn sometime..."

Do ya think they did it???

The Charge: 2 Counts of Theft, 1 Count of Being a Pussy

You Know You've Made It When You've Raised a Hot Daughter Who Could Well Be Your Hot Wife.

I'd ask who's who, but does it matter?

Yup. He's An Asshole.

This makes me feel a lot better about how talented and successful he is.

Gettin' His Bales Busted

This sounds like a little rough-housing to me. Is it really such a big deal? Me, my mom and my sister are like the Three Stooges. We beat the crap out of each other and listen to Jackson Browne. "Four, they wanna own me, Two, they wanna stone me..." Amen to THAT!

Cunt vs. Cunt

Sounds like that nasty cunt insulted the wrong nasty cunt. Apparently the teacher's defense is that the class was doing a reading of Matilda at the time of the incident and she was reading the Danny Devito part. The father, not the narrator... Wasn't that movie confusing?

FINALLY Some Press

"How dumb am I?"

Many thanks to PaulWesterberg.net for featuring my "Making Room For Paul Westerberg" article in their "In The Blogs" section. Things are finally starting to go my way.

No Good Deed...

I think I pulled something in my back helping a woman carry her stroller up the steps in the subway yesterday... Never Again!


I should have known.

When Comebacks Feel Forced

It's always nice when an actor who's cooled off gets another chance at the big time with a character role. But sometimes the press tries to make it into more than it is. Here are some other examples of similar cases that could have been further exploited to stoke that flame:



-Cliff Robertson in Spiderman:

"Spiderman Scales Buildings... But What About The Cliff?!?!"


-Rutger Hauer in Batman Begins:

"The HAUER Of Rutger Is Upon Us!"


-Jeff Bridges in Iron Man:

"Jeff Bridges The Gap Between Amazing and INCREDIBLE!"


-Val Kilmer in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang:

"Kilmer Kills! And He's Still An Asshole!"


-Christopher Walken in Wedding Crashers:

"Walken Is Walken The Walk... AndHeWasOnThatBoatWithNatalieWoodWhenSheDiedMysteriouslyButWon't
SayAnythingAboutIt!"




But to be fair, that article has a point. Eric Roberts definitely is the most interesting thing about Dark Knight... Btw I just moved to under a rock lolomgroflbrblolholla!

Making Room For Paul Westerberg

This is meant to be a comedic blog, but there are two things I don't joke about: the size of my penis, and how much I love Paul Westerberg. Last night, I downloaded his new album.

For a while now, I've thought of Westerberg as a musical version of AAA, coming along whenever I'm stranded at the side of the road and irritated at myself for never having learned to change a tire. Hearing The Replacements changed my life, and this new one, which I'm loving, came out just when I was starting in on another music-listening-rut (my enjoyment of INXS' greatest hits had become a little... XSive?)

At this point, listening to a new song from Paul Westerberg is like being sung to by an old friend. A lot of times I can tell what chord is coming next just by knowing his music. But not in a Goosebumps/M. Night Shyamalan way ("Ya know that main guy who hates robots? I think he IS a fuckin' robot!!!"). No, his music is still surprising; exciting even. I can't believe the second song, which I think is called "Keep Rising," wasn't in my life until yesterday. It's really changing my flat tire...

I don't want to get into too much detail about what I love about his music and his perfect lyrics. I know a guy who talks about music like that, and he's really hard to be around (part of me would love to include a link to his Facebook profile here, but I'm here to build, not destroy).

The new album is called 49, because the songs are compiled into one 49 minute track (though it's actually 43:55) and it costs 49 cents. As it turns out, making room for 49 minnutes of music on my ipod is a pretty tall order these days. I had to go through and make some serious choices about what still had a place there and what needed to hit-the-road-Jack, and be relegated to the graveyard of my computer's itunes library.

I came up with two main categories of interest: "DELETED In The Name Of Progress" and "Stuff I Considered Deleting Because I Never Listen To It, But DECIDED TO KEEP Because I Like To Think I Might Still Give It A Whirl Some Day To Broaden My Horizons."

*DELETED In The Name Of Progress:

-Anything by The Shins (didn't get laid much Freshman year and that guy's annoying voice only reminds me of that)

-Carole King's Tapestry album (still haven't listened to it. still not gay.)

-All Squeeze songs besides "Tempted," "Pulling Mussels From a Shell" and "Black Coffee in Bed." I like this band but they're greatest hits was just taking up too much space, and I still haven't listened to it all the way through.

-All Cars songs besides "Just What I Needed," and "My Best Friend's Girl," but I might delete that one too...

-John Mayer (Not the music but the person. And not from my ipod. I tracked him down and killed him.)

-Paul McCartney's Memory Almost Full. More like IPOD ALMOST FULL!

-The Buena Vista Social Club Soundtrack. The bus ride where this seems like a good idea just hasn't happened yet.

-A Nils Lofgren album my dad gave me. I'll just have to keep hearing his playing drowned by too many keyboards in the E Street Band.

-All Eric Clapton aside from his self-titled 1970 album. Keep in mind that this excludes Cream and Derek and the Dominoes. Maybe I should rephrase: All clean/sober Eric Clapton was deleted.

*Stuff I Considered Deleting Because I Never Listen To It, But DECIDED TO KEEP Because I Like To Think I Might Still Give It A Whirl Some Day To Broaden My Horizons:

-Pavement

-Any Jazz

-The cd by a girl from class I wanted to have sex with (it could still happen) (you're dreaming!) (fuck you)

-Randy Newman. People are always tooting his raspy horn.

U2 went untouched. I have a U2 ipod...

All in all, I found this process to be fitting. If I'm going to delete music that isn't important to me anymore, it should be for The Replacements/Paul Westerberg. I went through something similar earlier this year when I had some Replacements bootlegs burnt for me and needed to make some 'pod-room. I take this band's name pretty seriously, because when I got into them they literally replaced most other music I thought was good. If they do it in my heart, they should do it in my 'pod.

"Abusing Drugs - Just Like Brian Wilson Did..."

Ok I know we've all had enough... But how did we not see it coming?

I'm not done yet: "If I Put My Nostrils Here, And If I Snort Coke Off Your Rear..."

That was a re-working of the bridge of The Barenaked Ladies' "It's All Been Done." I could have tried something more accessible with one of their song's choruses, but I try to hold myself and my audience to a higher standard.

It does suck to get your mug shot in the paper though... Unless you're ADORABLE! She's way too cute to be that guy's Yoko Ono. HELLO!!!!!!

Barenaked Ladies singer busted for coke... And it's not even the one that has to talk really fast.

"Hoo Hoo Hoo..."

"You're the Reason I Didn't Have Time To Jerk Off - But Don't Think Twice, It's All Right"

I had a really great weekend. We went to see Wye Oak play. They're a killer band from Baltimore that my roommates and I met through our friend, Gracious, who helped produce their cd, which you should explore further at http://wyeoakmusic.com/. Anyway, the duo is comprised of Jenn and Andy. Their musical chemistry extends to the bedroom, as they not only a band but an adorable couple. They're also hilarious, wonderful people.

Anyway, we were chatting after their show in Park Slope, and knowing they usually stay with a friend who lives in Harlem, I off-handedly suggested they stay with us instead. I assumed they'd say no, and made the offer because I'd had a few drinks and wanted them to think I was a great guy. However, it ended up that their usual plan had fallen through, so they took me up on the offer...

It’s not that kind of story (but it will be if I’m ever hired as a writer for Curb Your Enthusiasm [even though I don’t think they have those.]) No, the exchange was more like this:

Andy: Actually, do you mind if we take you up on that offer?

Me: Yeah. That’s cool.

(Andy walks away. I turn to my roommates as soon as he’s out of sight.)

Me: Hey fellas! Guess what!!!!!!!!

We were thrilled! Not only did we get to chat with the cool band after the show, but we got to be the cool locals who put them up for the night. Our place became not just an apartment, but a welcoming, bohemian hotspot; a safe haven for traveling artists.

They ended up spending the night, and the whole visit was a great time. They were blown away by our place, which was really sweet. The only explanation I can think of for that is that they’re used to staying with total slobs and live in total shit holes. We sat around eating pancakes in the living room the next morning. Everybody was on their A-game, cracking killer jokes. Then they took us to an awesome music store in Williamsburg*. It was a great day. The whole thing was so much fun, I didn’t even mind that I didn’t get a chance to jerk off until later that evening.

That’s right. I was home with family the night before and didn’t get a chance to tug it. Then I was traveling all day, met my sister for dinner, and went straight to the show. After the show, I had to wait to give Jenn and Andy directions and let them into the apartment. By the time I got a moment to myself, I just went straight to sleep (something I rarely do.) The next morning, I was the last to wake, so I went straight to join everyone in the living room for good times and flapjacks.

This whole thing was so spur of the moment, I didn’t have time to do what I normally do: plan all social engagements around jerking off, or at the very least, make sure to allot the right amount of time.


Friend 1: Should we catch an 8PM movie?

Me: Yeah. Right after I grab a shower.


Friend 2: Hey Brendan – Want to meet for drinks after work?

Me: Sure. Let me just stop home first to get changed.


Friend 3: Want to go out for a bite?

Me: Nah. I’m gonna jerk off.


Furthermore, I shower in the mornings, and my boss lets me dress casual.

I’ve never smoked a cigarette, but I’m familiar with the unending compulsive itch. The day is filled with those moments. Column A: do something constructive. Column B: well you know. Under normal circumstances, choosing Column A without first scratching the itch of Column B results in a nervous wreck.

Not that jerking off isn’t constructive. It’s good to have things like relaxation, stress relief, the will to live…

The point is, it’s rare that I find a Column A so rich that it erases Column B. I guess what I’m trying to say is, thanks Jenn and Andy. Don’t jerk off too much. Save your riches loads for one another.


*It’s called Main Drag Music Music at Wythe Avenue and South 1st Street in Williamsburg. They have a lot of weird vintage instruments and don’t bust your balls like the guys on commission at Sam Ash.

http://wyeoakmusic.com/

Interviews With People Who Shouldn't Be Giving Interviews

This guy really seems to have the right attitude. According to this article, Peter Cook showed up to this breakfast interview in the Hamptons with "a Rolex on one wrist and a black bracelet - with the inscription 'I am what I am' - on the other." Oh yes. And he has another one around his dick that says, "Yes he is!" You can't see either bracelet in this picture; you'll have to wait until the next time he tugs it into a web cam. HELLO!



Apparently they don't have doctor-patient privilege in France. That's the way it should be, if you ask me. When there's something happening inside my body, I want it known. In fact, I'm looking into getting my next physical during a breakfast interview...