Today's Google "How To:" I Hope These Two Things Aren't Related

I've done neither. A good steak stands alone, and all mice must die.

As a side note, the kitchen in my apartment is nicknamed, "Mauschwitz."

A Recent Comix Set

Do You Like It Nasty?

If the answer's no, please don't watch this.

I Have Some Standup Shows Coming Up...

You don't have to come or anything. I'm just putting it out there...

Comix

Mon, 11/23 - 7:00

353 W 14th near 9th Ave

$10

Lucky Cheng's

12/2 - 10:30

24 1st Ave

The Creek

Calgary Whalers show

12/4 - 8:00

10-93 Jackson Ave, Long Island City

Parkside Lounge

We'reNicePeople!

12/8 - 7:30

317 E. Houston @ Attorney St.

Ochi's Lounge at Comix

12/12 - 7:30

353 W 14th near 9th Ave

Parkside Lounge

We'reNicePeople!

1/20 - 7:30

317 E. Houston @ Attorney St.

If My Nozzle Volume 23: If My Nozzle Was A Creamy Cone

GREAT new If My Nozzle courtesy of Dylan Gadino from Punchline Magazine. Happy Thanksgiving week everybody. Gobble gobble!

Romance Package Eh?

"I got a romance package for ya sweet-haht, but it won't be a sea breeze blowin in yeh face! How do ya like thet?!?!" 

That's my new blog character, Chet Mortensen. He has a funny Boston accent and loves dick jokes. Expect to hear more from him, the way I do inside my head at all times.

Success Is Only A Vague, Unidentified Yet Looming Mistake Away

This ad is oddly suggestive. Maybe even suggestive of being suggestive? I'm not quite sure what service is being promoted here, but I know one thing: no daughter of mine will be allowed to click on ads that appear on myspace. My daughter will party MY way - i.e. not at all. And she better not be a bitch about it.

If My Nozzle Volume 22: If My Nozzle Were Served In A Fancy Restaurant

Thanks to Andrew Ciesla for helping me kick off the fall with a great joke about replacing an object with my nozzle! Whether it came al dente would vary depending on the patron.

Ever Wonder What Heaven Looks Like?

I hope you enjoy this as much as I do. I was behind the camera on this one, giving direction and t.p.m (through-pocket-masturbating).

Special thanks to Megan Neuringer and Mike Still for LAYING IT DOWN. 

*Note: If you were planning on Digging one of my entries, this would be the one.

If My Nozzle Volume 21: If My Nozzle Were Owned By Starbucks

There's a time and place for grasping at straws.

That Thing We Did! (that exclamation always bothered me)

As those of you who've scrolled down and read the right side of this page know, I'm in a band. We're called Goodness Gracious, named in honor of our gracious-to-a-fault friend. We just finished our debut album, Pam Says, named for our observant-to-a-fault friend. 

You can enjoy it in its entirety for free thanks to the whachamacallit (sp?) below. Give it a listen, it's my favorite thing I've ever worked on. Most of the songs are about babes.

Just When I Had Given Up On Love...

Hey guys. Sorry I haven't posted in a while, but I've been pretty busy. Case in point:

Special thanks to Emily Axford (hilarious), Kevin Hooper, and everyone else on the most excellent crew. More to come...

An Oldie But a Goodie Volume 2

A while back when I was still in college (and Jay Leno was hosting The Tonight Show, HELLO!) I taped a few episodes of a an online show where I reviewed student films. I just recovered the first episode and it made me chuckle so I put it on 'tube. Thanks to Alvin Liong for sending it over and to Oliver White for taking a ball bustin'. As the Mexican lady used to say at the cash register in the dining hall, "Enyoy!"

If My Nozzle Volume 20: If My Nozzle Was A Fine Garment

Can you take that in a little? Hehehe...

A New Low For CNN's Live Feed

It is worse than Swine Flu - I'll give 'em that.

I'm An Advertiser's Dream

Umm, sure. Why not?

It Was Her Time... For Like 30 Years

You can only play old ladies for so long before people start looking at their watches. However, she was a master of that art form - maybe the greatest professional old person since Walter Brennan...



I'm pretty sure he was 30 when this picture was taken. Some people just got it...

Anyway, here's to you, Bea Arthur. I'll lift a mug of warm milk to you. When you were young, you were wise beyond your years. When the years caught up to you, they fit like a glove. Heck, your face even looked kind of dead... May you stay forever old, wherever you are.

Whisper words or wisdom, Let it Bea.

Madonna To Adopt Cast Of Slumdog Millionaire

Handle Us With Care

A personal highlight from the last "We're Nice People Show." Remember: the audience doesn't have to like or understand a joke for it to be AMAZING.

If My Nozzle Volume 19: If My Nozzle Was The Gust Of Air Made By Her Large Mouth

"I'll give ya a free trial, sweet haaht."

Thanks to Jake Smith for the nozzle shot.

A Rare Bird

Obvious Joke: David Caruso has fans?!

Slightly Less Obvious Joke: David Caruso offers sole fan conjugal visit.

In The News

He's also taking over the Tonight Show...

Makin' Moves

This is a monthly show I'm producing and hosting with my friend, David Smithyman. It goes down the second Wednesday of every month in the back room at Parkside Lounge, 317 E Houston, at Attorney, 10PM. The next one is this Wednesday, March 11.

This show will also mark the first live performance of Babomya, the digital comedic duo I share with my second friend, Jen Statsky. It's gonna be a big night. Join us for twists, turns and unprecedented mirth.

"This New Policy Would Make It Harder To Work With People We Refuse To Work With."

I'd Sling My Stick Over HER Shoulder! Am I Right Fellas?

This babe is without a home. I'm overcome with emotions, the primary one being wanting to do it. I'm not the most perceptive when it comes to sexual advances. Some men are adept at combing bars, coffee shops, book stores and libraries for girls who've recently been made to feel vulnerable. An iota's reduction of self esteem can mean the difference between exploring someone else's body and business as usual. But a beautiful woman faced with the possibility of living on the streets? That sounds about my speed.

The current economic climate calls for the adjustment of one's game. Fear of going home to an empty apartment (once a prominent aphrodisiac) has been replaced with fear of not having an apartment. Forget closing time. Think foreclosing time. "You don't have to go home, but you can't - Wait, you're homeless?! Wanna do it?!?!"

She might not know who she wants to take her home, but she does know it's cold outside.

This Will Cheer Him Up...

And to top it off, Morgan Freeman has refused to narrate his actions!

Ha Ha Ha! See?! That's funny! Ya HAVE to laugh about it... You'll thank me later. Cough.

In A Bid For International Forgiveness, Chris Brown Changes Last Name To Connery

"Lost At Sea"

This might seem like a strange place to plug things, but is it wrong to want the same fifteen people who read this blog to listen to my podcast (that's a link - you click on it!!!)?

Anyway, here's a taste of Babomya Episode 3 - Jen Statsky-Newton-John. This is a musical comment on the disappearance and reappearance of Olivia Newton-John's ex, Patrick McDermott. He was lost at sea several years ago, but is suspected of faking his death due to bad finances.

The song, "Lost At Sea" was performed by myself and Jen Statsky for the latest episode of Babomya. The lyrics were written by myself and Jake Smith (no link). The tune should be familiar. Enjoy.

Impressive To Everyone But Gene Simmons: Volume 1

Babomya Episode 2 - Sisterhood Of The Traveling Wilburys

After much delay I'm proud to announce the release of Babomya Episode 2 - Sisterhood Of The Traveling Wilburys. Highlights include:

- Brendan sings a duet by himself
- An unreleased Traveling Wilburys gem, courtesy of Sisterhood of the Traveling Wilburys
- Audio Porn

Subscribe for free instantly on itunes.

Get it on Babomya.com.

BaboMySpace.

I Shall Overcome

I fear I've fallen prey to a sad truth: I'm speechless - at least where wisecracks are concerned. I had a lot more to say during the election, when I was complaining and busting balls. And for that, I'm mildly embarrassed... But then again, whatever.

It's with determination that I tell you I plan to rise above this feeling of joyous satisfaction. A blogger is judged by what he can build, not what he can neglect in favor of watching T.V. and masturbating.

We're at the dawn of a new age of responsibility; a time that calls for sacrifice, discipline, cooperation and most of all, a willingness to give back. The night was dark, but the sun is rising. No, risen...

With each death comes new life. With each heartbreak comes the possibility of a new love. Around the corner from each moment of disappointment is a brisk morning walk home - a load or two lighter with the taste of tits on the tongue.

We live in an incredible time. A time of hope... A time of change. A time of great challenges, but also great optimism. A time where someone whose father just found out what ipods are can create a podcast to be enjoyed by tens of friends...

I intend to do my part. For me, that doesn't mean building houses, volunteering at a soup kitchen, jerking off any less or buying squiggly light bulbs. No, I plan to rise to the challenge in my own way. I plan to take off my shoes. I plan to loosen my belt. I plan to get comfortable; a little too comfortable...

The Internet Just Got A Little Nastier

I've been a little lazy about writing recently and for that, I apologize. One of the reasons is that I sometimes get a little sick of my own thoughts and the posts just stop comin'. Another reason is that I've been busy doing other stuff.

That brings us to Babomya, the hilarious comedy podcast I'm currently launching with my hilarious friend and fellow blogger, Jen Statsky. Babomya is a Traveling Wilburys-like coming together of two comedy styles with the intention of reaching people in a fresh, highly 21st century way. As for creative process, two people thinking about stuff in a dark room is always better than one. Hopefully laying these bad boys down each week with Ryan Adams/Robert Pollard-like prolificacy will rejuvenate my desire to write blog posts. Expect new episodes every Monday.

Highlights from Babomya Episode1, "A Babomya Christmas:"

-Jen changes her voicemail
-An appearance by Keane
-A song called "8 Pussies"
-A trip to the South Bronx

To subscribe to the podcast and download Episode 1, visit Babomya.com

Or get it straight at itunes.

Or become friends with it on MySpace.

Special thanks to Gracious for the website and Andrew Ciesla for the art work.

New Years Rockin Eve

And by "trash" they mean people from New Jersey.

Happy New Year.