If My Nozzle Volume 3: If My Nozzle Were Anything Goin' Into A Palin Woman (That Was Over 18)

Wouldn't mind Nailin' a Palin. Hello!

Not Michael Palin...


What she lacks in experience, credibility and intelligence, she makes up for in having doable daughters, and being pretty doable herself.

Then John McCain said: "Hey Women! Look! A Woman!"

I Love This Man

"David Duchovny, why won't you love me?"

Because he's layin' too many other babes!

The problem of getting laid too much is not something I can easily relate to... But since I listed Duchovny as who I'd like to meet on myspace, I feel personally connected to his struggle.

All I know is this: If I were David Duchovny, I would certainly lay babes. Would I lay too many? Is there such thing? Chances are I'll never know.

David Duchovny might not love me, but I still love him. I want to support him as he tries to dew it less.

If My Nozzle Volume 2: If My Nozzle Were A Glass Of Orange Juice.

I got a really strong response to my first If My Nozzle piece. By that I mean two people mentioned it to me.

At the end of an email from my friend Christian, he had this to say:

"PS. I like your blog. You're doing some really exciting stuff about nozzles."

At the risk of tooting my own nozzle, I couldn't agree more.

Also, I was just pleasantly surprised and a little creeped out (j/k lol!!!) to find that someone I don't know has been reading the blog. Blogger user Prince Pondicherry had a really visceral response to my first stab at If My Nozzle, entitled "If My Nozzle Were An Inhaler." In response to the idea of my nozzle functioning as a replacement for an inhaler and/or nebulizer, the Prince left the following comment:

"I own both of these things, and now whenever I use either of them (during an asthma attack, mind you) I'm going to feel embarrassed and not know why."


I'm thrilled to see that A) people are reading the blog and B) some of those people have asthma.

In an effort to strike while the iron is hot, I decided to stoke this tiny flamelet and turn what was going to be a one shot deal into a regular feature here at Too Comf.

Basically, I find an image of a hot girl putting something in her mouth and suggest replacing that object with my nozzle. Many thanks to the people at Yahoo, who have a great habit of using distractingly hot models to lure people into reading boring articles on a slow news day. It's hard to just go straight to checking your email when there's a hot, quirky babe putting something in her mouth on the site's homepage.

I rest my case.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to searching for the asthmatic, orange juice-drinking woman of my dreams - so I can shower her with fresh air and citrus from my nozzle.

R.I.P. Steve Foley

Foley was only in The Replacements for the last year they were together and didn't play on any of their studio albums, but that's still one year longer than anyone I know. I have a bootleg of their last show in 91 and he nails it.

According to Billboard, "Paul Westerberg and bassist Tommy Stinson bumped into Foley at a local bar and procured a ride from him to an audition. In the car was a copy of the brand new Replacements album 'All Shook Down,' prompting Westerberg and Stinson to look at each other and then exclaim to Foley, 'You're already in.'"

That's how it's done.

This Just In: People With Bad Taste Are Also Cheap

Man Who Sits Meditating All Day Suffers From Exhaustion.

Doctor - What seems to be the problem?

Lama - I'm just really tired.

Doctor - Are you a pretty active guy?

Lama - ...

Doctor - Trouble keeping up the pace at work?

Lama - ...

Doctor - Did you try to sit through Kundun?

Lama - Are you gonna give me any fuckin' drugs or what?

A Souvenir From The Emerald Isle...

This brownie cost roughly what Matthew Broderick was fined for killing two people with his reckless driving.

That said, driving through the Irish countryside did give me some sympathy for the Brod. Those country roads are windy, narrow and unlit. Not to mention driving stick on the opposite side of the road that you're used to... It would be pretty easy to Broderick someone under those conditions. To leave a family grieving, in a state of Broderick.

"Let 'em go down in the mud where the rivers all run Broderick."

Go Away.

The party's winding down, I'm picking up trash and starting to sober up, but you're still in my living room.

But Of Course!

Is this news really so hard to believe? The woman was 7 feet tall and ate whole chickens for petit dejeurner. She could have gone head to head with Daniel Craig, or at the very least, given him a run for his money in his bid for double-0 status.

"Made you feel it did she?"

If it came out that she was a leg breaker for the mafia before her first book became a best-seller, I'd believe it without much skepticism.

I wonder if she could make poison-tipped knifes come out of those clod-hoppers...

Say Rice!!!

Photographer - "Say cheese! Ok great. Now give me the old racist slanty eye! Lol!"

I, along with most of the world, am shocked that the Spanish thought this was in any way acceptable, AND that they thought no one would notice/care.

Naturally, the Chinese voiced their resentment over the incident... Then they stabbed someone, lied during the opening ceremony, rejected visas on the basis of political prejudice, got a bunch of oil from Darfur, and were way too good at gymnastics.

Sometimes I Laugh At Other People's Jokes

"Where were they when they made that Rosie O’Donnell Riding the Bus With My Sister film? Because that was way worse in my eyes than our film." - Justin Theroux, co-writer of "Tropic Thunder"

Gulp...

Colorado police were able to generate a crude rendering of the suspect based on the witness' description:

Prepare To Find Your Takeout Floating In Mid-Air Outside Your Door!

I always did hate the look of disgust that came with giving a lousy tip... That said, I usually like to prepare myself for snot blasts with some kind of visual warning.

A Blog About Dark Knight: Someone Had To Do It

This is a copy of an email I wrote to my friend Christian. He's living in Prague for the year and only just got a chance to see "Temne Rytir," or as you may know it, "The Dark Knight." This is my response to his thoughts on the movie. I didn't include his email, because who cares? Plus he was wrong about some stuff and I'm always right.

"I think Heath was amazing. I was dazzled by every moment he spent on the screen. Totally creepy and showy in all the right ways. There were several moments where I wanted to start applauding but would have felt like a feggot (especially the pen scene).

I think the movie's script had problems, especially towards the end. I agree that the strong character they built for Wayne got neglected in this one. And I fuckin hate the Batman voice. It got worse this time and I just don't get it. It doesn't make sense and is really distracting.

Jake and I were talking about how any time these movies try to involve bystanders too much, it sucks for some reason. Like the people on the subway in Spiderman 2. For some reason the acting of all those small parts with the people on the two ferries sucked. Especially the asshole guy who wanted to take the boat of convicted criminals down. That idea was a little loose and gay too. And they tried to make the cops driving the armored truck getting shot at funny, but it just blew and was annoying.

I agree about the action too. Some stuff I loved (the bank robbery, the bat pod, the truck flip, the Japan thing), but a lot of those fights definitely leave something to be desired. And Jake and I think Cillian Murphy's face was superimposed in during that one scene, like what they did when Tony Soprano's mom died. Also, though it was a cool character in some ways, The Scarecrow was made into the biggest pussy of a villain I've ever seen. I liked the idea of bringing him back, but it was a let down. I could take him. Kevin Spacey and Parker Posey could give him a run for his money.

I think the main problem with the movie was it got way too "speechful" towards the end. Like, it had strong themes that revealed themselves really well throughout, like white knight vs. dark,corruption, and chaos vs. order and hypocrisy and stuff. But by the end everybody was just saying what they're philosophy was.

'My girlfriend got blown up. That's not fair. Now I'm really interested in chance.'

I think we dealt with the theme of chance more effectively in Games of Chance***. And I'm not being sarcastic. The struggle of Race overshadowing Games of Chance because his passion required skill... To me, that turmoil is much deeper and more subtle then what they gave Eckhart. I thought he and the Dent character were fine until the end, when they just had him talking about his character's motivation a lot. And when you think about it, Two Face kind of sucks. It's just the coin flip from No Country again and again. Plus everyone was making those shitty speeches about what they movie was about, like the audience couldn't be trusted to connect the dots themselves. Dent, Wayne, Gordon, even the Joker (though I loved the nurse thing).

Oh, and Freeman's moral objection to the phone tapping was gay. It was like, 'Hey, there's this guy who's trying to destroy an entire city, but we don't know where he is. However, I have this technology that can let us listen to phone calls and pinpoint his exact location, saving thousands of lives.' 'But what about privacy?'

And yeah, Gyllenballs was nasty. I was glad when they blew her up.

I'm seeing it again on Imax for Heath. He lit up the screen."




***This is a reference to "Race 2: Games of Chance," a movie we made in High School.

If My Nozzle Were An Inhaler...

I'm being way too modest. More like, if my nozzle were a nebulizer...

Thinking On His Fat Feet

The only realistic way this murderer/rapist could escape execution is if he put on orange clogs and a fake ponytail and rode out of prison on a vespa.



Maybe his long lost twin brother will think of him the next time he fries up a pork chop.

She Was Busting His Ball

Those kinds of jokes become allowed when you start using cancer to get pussy.