"You're the Reason I Didn't Have Time To Jerk Off - But Don't Think Twice, It's All Right"

I had a really great weekend. We went to see Wye Oak play. They're a killer band from Baltimore that my roommates and I met through our friend, Gracious, who helped produce their cd, which you should explore further at http://wyeoakmusic.com/. Anyway, the duo is comprised of Jenn and Andy. Their musical chemistry extends to the bedroom, as they not only a band but an adorable couple. They're also hilarious, wonderful people.

Anyway, we were chatting after their show in Park Slope, and knowing they usually stay with a friend who lives in Harlem, I off-handedly suggested they stay with us instead. I assumed they'd say no, and made the offer because I'd had a few drinks and wanted them to think I was a great guy. However, it ended up that their usual plan had fallen through, so they took me up on the offer...

It’s not that kind of story (but it will be if I’m ever hired as a writer for Curb Your Enthusiasm [even though I don’t think they have those.]) No, the exchange was more like this:

Andy: Actually, do you mind if we take you up on that offer?

Me: Yeah. That’s cool.

(Andy walks away. I turn to my roommates as soon as he’s out of sight.)

Me: Hey fellas! Guess what!!!!!!!!

We were thrilled! Not only did we get to chat with the cool band after the show, but we got to be the cool locals who put them up for the night. Our place became not just an apartment, but a welcoming, bohemian hotspot; a safe haven for traveling artists.

They ended up spending the night, and the whole visit was a great time. They were blown away by our place, which was really sweet. The only explanation I can think of for that is that they’re used to staying with total slobs and live in total shit holes. We sat around eating pancakes in the living room the next morning. Everybody was on their A-game, cracking killer jokes. Then they took us to an awesome music store in Williamsburg*. It was a great day. The whole thing was so much fun, I didn’t even mind that I didn’t get a chance to jerk off until later that evening.

That’s right. I was home with family the night before and didn’t get a chance to tug it. Then I was traveling all day, met my sister for dinner, and went straight to the show. After the show, I had to wait to give Jenn and Andy directions and let them into the apartment. By the time I got a moment to myself, I just went straight to sleep (something I rarely do.) The next morning, I was the last to wake, so I went straight to join everyone in the living room for good times and flapjacks.

This whole thing was so spur of the moment, I didn’t have time to do what I normally do: plan all social engagements around jerking off, or at the very least, make sure to allot the right amount of time.


Friend 1: Should we catch an 8PM movie?

Me: Yeah. Right after I grab a shower.


Friend 2: Hey Brendan – Want to meet for drinks after work?

Me: Sure. Let me just stop home first to get changed.


Friend 3: Want to go out for a bite?

Me: Nah. I’m gonna jerk off.


Furthermore, I shower in the mornings, and my boss lets me dress casual.

I’ve never smoked a cigarette, but I’m familiar with the unending compulsive itch. The day is filled with those moments. Column A: do something constructive. Column B: well you know. Under normal circumstances, choosing Column A without first scratching the itch of Column B results in a nervous wreck.

Not that jerking off isn’t constructive. It’s good to have things like relaxation, stress relief, the will to live…

The point is, it’s rare that I find a Column A so rich that it erases Column B. I guess what I’m trying to say is, thanks Jenn and Andy. Don’t jerk off too much. Save your riches loads for one another.


*It’s called Main Drag Music Music at Wythe Avenue and South 1st Street in Williamsburg. They have a lot of weird vintage instruments and don’t bust your balls like the guys on commission at Sam Ash.

http://wyeoakmusic.com/