Heart Of Darkness: Activities To Avoid While All Your Friends Are Hanging Out With Their Significant Others

1. Going to Ikea. This is where fresh young couples go to begin their lives as joint-consumers. You won't want to watch them pick stuff out for their shared homes, make out on escalators and buy cribs named Stephan for babies named Stephan.

2. Anything that starts or ends with a bus ride

3. Calling said friends. They'll sense your desperation for human contact, and it's not fair to guilt them into inviting you along and preventing them from getting laid. Imagine if you were having a good time, and then YOU showed up...

4. Anything near a body of water. Angels named Clarence have bigger fish to fry.

5. Calling the ex. She's busy with your friend. HE-LLLO!!!

6. Anything indoors.

7. Anything outdoors.

8. Jerking off

9. Actually, you should jerk off.

10. Going to the grocery store - but that probably isn't on your radar, because you only eat takeout.

11. Ordering takeout. This isn't the time to be laughed at by Chinese women who think it's funny that you order the same thing every time.

12. Exercising. I mean, you should do this, but I know you won't, so I'll be a bro and say you shouldn't.