More For Less

But more of what, and less of what?

This message was printed on the front page of assembly directions for a chair I bought today from Target in Brooklyn.

"CONGRATULATIONS:
You have purchased a fine chair
All of our chairs are solidly built and rigorously tested to ensure years of enjoyment."

This is what it should have said:

"CONGRATULATIONS:
You have made it out of Target Brooklyn with your life
That means that you weren't murdered, and you didn't kill yourself. What's more, you successfully navigated a store with no entrances or exits, just holes - to fight your way in and out of. You managed to complete a transaction in a system of cash registers that stop giving service abruptly and haphazardly, forcing the dozens of people in line to run and shove their way to the nearest working register, before it too closes. This chair was what, $25? Whether it was worth it will be answered when you buy your next piece of furniture, no doubt from somewhere MORE expensive that brings out LESS of your ugliest characteristics."