No: Volume 1

No.

This Is Not My Lovely Wife

Or more importantly, why is that lady in the top hat hitting on your son?

If I'm going to even consider buying your product, you'll have to give me a hotter wife.

It Was Dickiness Killed The Beast

It's good to see some steadfast integrity coming out of Alaska with this city council member's strict adherence to the state's "Snowzilla" clause. Better to squash a town-full of little kids' sense of wonderment and imagination than... (INSERT ANY POSSIBLE RISK THAT COULD RESULT FROM THE PRESENCE OF A REALLY BIG SNOWMAN).

Governor Sarah Palin signed off on the killing of Snowzilla... Then when she went home saw her husband Todd on the couch, she said, "Hey, what are you doing here???"

Even Better Than The Reel Thing

For months now, people have been stopping me on the street and saying, "Hey, B: Your comedy has given me so much... The only thing better seeing you live or watching one of your sets online would be watching highlights from multiples sets strung together seamlessly with smoothvideo transitions."

Check out my new reel. Thanks to Alex Russek for putting it together.

If My Nozzle Volume 18: If My Nozzle Were That Tie, That Fake Tan Spray, Or If My Wrist Was One Of Her Wrists

After a couple-of-month hiatus, here's another edition of If My Nozzle, courtesy of Dylan Gadino, editor of Punchline Magazine. Let's all hate ourselves for wanting to lay this mediocre actress/multi millionaire who is still passive aggressively bitching about getting dumped four years ago.

They Used To Rule The World

Coldplay stole the melody from Joe Satriani... Then they stole the lyrics from a retarded guy.

Wait - Irish People Aren't Healthy?

The situation is especially dangerous, because most of the country eats pork and nothing else.

Who would have thought Irish breakfast could be worse for you?

Shut Up: Volume 1

Shut up.

And The "Band With Too Much Money Trying Too Hard Award" Goes To...

This is what I can remember from that album I paid $15 for and only listened to once because it sucked:

Title: Viva La Album Title Is Taken From One Painting And The Album Cover Is Of A Painting, But Not The Painting We Named The Album After... We're Idiots.

Track Listing:

1. Would you think we're smart if we did an instrumental?

2. Organs and Bells (& Whistles!)

3. Violet Thing

4. Strawberry Thing

5. Chinese Thing

6. Japanese Thing

7. Indian Sounding Thing

8. You Think You Might Be A GHOST! (dedicated to Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense)

9. One song that was all right

10. Would you think we're smart if we had a hidden track?

11. What about two of them?

12. I'll rhyme anything with anything as long as it rhymes

Alaska: Our Most Potent State

If this kid is anything like its parents' T.V. show, it will have a lot of retarded baby sitters... Get it?! Only idiots will watch it!!!

The Human Heart

He paused for a moment, then added, "Oh and I'd still fuck her if she lost more weight."

Are Bygones Bygones?

He says he feels like he's being wrongly fucked in the ass...

Now's Sheryl Crow's Chance

Serendipitously, Crow will be in France at the same time promoting her new album, "Remember When You Had Cancer, Then You Left Me When I Got Cancer?"

Theft I Can Believe In

The rush of stealing that guy's license was almost as incredible as the joy of jerking off to it every night since.

Food For Thought

Always a great topic for discussion... Here are 6 names I'm really glad my parents steered clear of:

1. Faggot Face

2. Rusty (terrible name!)

3. Dick (it means something else now, ok?!)

4. Gay (it means something else now, ok?!)

5. Blumpkin (it still means the same thing, ok?!)

6. Edward Norton. I hate that guy.

Turn, Turn, Turn...

A new woman holds that title:

Facebook Makes Sure It's Less Annoying Than Myspace

They expect to be paid in small checks from hot babes who don't exist.

What Do We Have, If Not Honesty?

"Come on fellas, we can talk this over like men.  I'm bein' straight with ya.  Look me in the eye.  Shouldn't be too hard - I only have one!   LOL!  Get it?  Eye patch joke!  Where was I?  Oh - give me a few million dollars or I'm gonna fuckin' kill some hostages."

I Found The Guy Who's Having Less Fun Than Me This Thanksgiving

Not The Kind Of Pirates You Sue

Or a better question:  Why are you such a dick?

"Houston, We Have A Problem... I LOVE The Taste Of My Own Piss!"

Bonus Points For Punctuality

"It gets really crowded once everyone starts showing up," said Vick.  "Really dog eat dog."

Happy Thanksgiving From Google "How To"

Best answer to Number 1: Who cares?

Best answer to Number 2: Check into a hotel and make some coffee.

Back In The Saddle

Especially the ones who aren't Gwen Stefani.

One Asshole Vs. A Billion Assholes

The only question is, which side is richer, and crueler to women?

Who Cares: Volume 1

With all due respect to the used-to-be-funny Al Franken... 

Who Cares?

Friends In High Places

Check out this ABC News segment with my friends Jenn and Andy, also known as Wye Oak, the rising stars of Merge Records. You also may know them from a previous Too Comfortable post, about how a visit of theirs altered my weekend plans.

They were staying at my pad while this was taped, so I feel somehow involved in the process. Do yourself a favor and check out their tunes.

New Age Religion Goes Medieval

They didn't kill him because he had a sword though. They killed him because he wasn't famous.

The Vatican Once Again Proves That It's Not Behind The Times

As we all know, it takes Catholics a while to apologize. I just recently made peace with the girl I nick-named "Kelly the Belly" in fourth grade.

But this proves it: John Lennon is the new Galileo. I've been saying it for years.

In other news, Paul McCartney is still totally jealous that he'll never be the controversial Beatle. He couldn't ruffle a feather if there was a species of pheasant that had allergic reactions to crappy lyrics. All together now!

Can't Catch A Break? You Betcha!

That's not so bad.  I do a lot of things while turkeys are being slaughtered.  In fact, I write this blog at a turkey farm.  The clucking and the smell of blood help me focus.  So what if children watch it on T.V. and see something gruesome?  At least it's not a nipple!

The Writing On The Crazy Wall

Then he hung up the phone and stuck the barrel of a loaded gun in his mouth.

Smoothest of Criminals

The sheikh said he'd settle for $500 million or a jam session.

An Oldie But A Goodie

Remember when Danny DeVito got really drunk one night and then went on The View the next morning?  Well this is like that, but harder to watch.  

It's a clip from a short lived movie review show I did for fellow NYU student Alvin Liong's C3TV project earlier in my comedy career.  I tried to embed it, but it was so large that it consumed my entire blog.  It's not THAT inconvenient...

Watch closely for the part where I throw up in my mouth.  

He Could Survive Ball Cancer, But Not Being A Dick

Pains In The Ass In More Ways Than One

Then they asked if he plans on having a son, and if he'd consider sending him to Catholic School.

Artistic Differences

Then Daniel Craig snapped him half with his left pinky while eating a sandwich.

I Agree With Sarah Palin: Volume 1 of 1

She's stupid, but picking her as a running mate is REALLY stupid. 

It Seems Like Years Since It's Been Here

If I've seemed less funny lately, it's because I've had less to gripe about.  I've attempted to condense the last few days in a way that would involve the least amount of writing on my part.

No words necessary.

I met Bill Murray.  The guy I wish I were as funny as was very nice to me.  It was awesome.

I have four jokes in the new issue of the magazine named after the two things I know the least about.  See if you can spot the joke I submitted as a lark thinking it was too crude to actually make the cut...

Naturally, the first one eclipses the second two, but this is MY blog...

Anyway, it's been a good few days, little darlin's.  Go treat yourselves to a drink.  Fanger somethin'.

Blame More Stuff On T.V. Why Don't Ya?

That's bullshit.  Ain't no T.V. in Alaska!

T.C.B.

New Video: "Julia Child In Casino Royale"

This is a short I just laid down with the help of some close friends. It explores the past of one of America's most beloved television chefs, who, it was recently revealed, acted as a field agent to the precursor of the CIA during the end of World War II.

Special thanks to Erich Carrle, David Smithyman, Alex Russek, and, in the words of The New York Times' Ben Brantley, "the excellent Damon Williams."

Enjoy.

A Pussy With Bad Taste

Tryin Hard Not To Smile Though I Feel Bad

When last we saw the chunkier of the two guys from Barenaked Ladies, he was expressing regret for being caught with his nostrils down in MiddleOfNowhere New York and posing for pictures with his adorable girlfriend.  Here we are months later, and the only thing that's changed is that he FINALLY took my advice and got her to start wearing outfits that match his own.  

Edgy, yet cute as a button...  If I had a million dollars - I'd roll each one of them up for you ma lady, as long as you dressed like me and touched my weiner.

Greedy, Hateful Man Who Smells Like Shit Endorses McCain

Somethin's tricklin' down...

McCain Now Gives A Crap About Alaskan Politicians' Ethics

And Sarah Palin said, "Who's that dude?"

The State of Corruption, Stupidity, Bitter Cold And A Show With Anne Heche In It

Unless you drop your soap. Then you're on your own.

Rhetorical Questions

Do the tissues in my trash can smell like semen?!?!

p.s. Treat your wardrobe like a rape kit, and pay for it yourself.