A Pussy With Bad Taste

Tryin Hard Not To Smile Though I Feel Bad

When last we saw the chunkier of the two guys from Barenaked Ladies, he was expressing regret for being caught with his nostrils down in MiddleOfNowhere New York and posing for pictures with his adorable girlfriend.  Here we are months later, and the only thing that's changed is that he FINALLY took my advice and got her to start wearing outfits that match his own.  

Edgy, yet cute as a button...  If I had a million dollars - I'd roll each one of them up for you ma lady, as long as you dressed like me and touched my weiner.

Greedy, Hateful Man Who Smells Like Shit Endorses McCain

Somethin's tricklin' down...

McCain Now Gives A Crap About Alaskan Politicians' Ethics

And Sarah Palin said, "Who's that dude?"

The State of Corruption, Stupidity, Bitter Cold And A Show With Anne Heche In It

Unless you drop your soap. Then you're on your own.

Rhetorical Questions

Do the tissues in my trash can smell like semen?!?!

p.s. Treat your wardrobe like a rape kit, and pay for it yourself.

Now We Know Why Those Old Time Newspaper Fellas Talked So Fast

Unless you're fat, funny and take it with speed...

I Read The Not Important News Today Oh Boy...

I have a few jokes featured in the "Style Slipups" section of the current issue of Life & Style Weekly.  It's the second to last page.  I'm trying to stick it in Madonna to get better placement in the next issue...  It's the edition pictured above, with EnoughAlready Jolie on the cover.  You might have to wait until Friday to buy it if you don't live in New York.

Check it out.  And if you buy it, buy it from a newsstand.  I'd prefer if you got it that way, and I can't explain why.

Think Of It As An Investment

John Edwards got $400 haircuts, but he was just trying to cheer himself up after his wife got cancer...  Besides, you have to look good if you're going to connect with Joe The Plumber, Joe The Homeless Guy, or Joe The Campaign Viral Video Editor.  

At least she's really smart.

Nation Forgives Projector Incident

If My Nozzle Volume 17: If If My Nozzle Took Down Yahoo

"I Love You More Today Than YES-TER-DAY!!!"

Mccain's grandkids should be doing the same...

While that's a truly heart warming gesture that shows a lot of character, I'm still pissed that the fucker bought a projector...

If My Nozzle Volume 16: If My Nozzle Was One Of Those Guys' Nozzles

Yeah, You Better Do That, Assholes: Volume 1

Yeah, you better do that, assholes.

Good: Volume 4. The Cunt Edition

Good.

Cunt.

Good: Volume 3

Good.

I'll Sleep Well Tonight...

Because not dying should be at least fourth or fifth on his to-do list.  Because if Obama got elected and Biden died, that would mean - Oh wait.  Who gives a shit?

Still, picking an unhealthy running mate would be pretty irresponsible.  Along the lines of an unhealthy candidate picking a running mate who can't slice the mustard - or a running mate who is, I mean has to care for, a baby with down syndrome.

Springtime For Yukon Cornelius

This is another image brought to my attention by a close friend.  I don't know what's more disturbing; the purposeful swing of the lumberjack's axe, or his resemblance to my father.

If My Nozzle Volume 15: If My Nozzle Were The Daily News And A Morning Brew

It's a great day for friendship and hypothetical nozzles.  This I.F.N. was a group effort involving two of my closest friends, with Jake Smith finding the image in a catalog and Erich Carrle scanning it into the computer at his office.  

This might not seem like a big deal to the casual reader, but for lowly blogger like myself, this morning has been the closing scene of "It's A Wonderful Life." 

 Thank you friends, for finding pictures of women you'd like to stick your dicks in, and making me the richest guy in town.

If My Nozzle Volume 14: If My Nozzle Were Her Wisps Of Hair

Just when I thought it had run its course, I've been given the chance to fall in love with "If My Nozzle" all over again through someone else's eyes.  This submission came courtesy of Dylan Gadino, editor in chief at Punchline Magazine.  "If My Nozzles" delivered by people who should have better things to do take on an added sense of urgency.  Thanks Dylan for your contribution.

Must Love Dicks

Or more appropriately, What makes women like assholes?

Girl From The Middle East Country

They promised her 72 virgins that wouldn't leave the seat up. HEL-LLO!!!

Doing To The Roof What He Can't Do With His Arms

Not out loud though. He said it in Morse code by blinking, like in that episode of Alias. The crowd bought it like it was a bad mortgage.

"If My Nozzle" Volume 13: If My Nozzle Were A Balanced Meal AND A Fork (Because I Wouldn't Want Anything Stabbing My Nozzle)

Take Me With You

BLAME you?! More like THANK you for putting Duchovny back on the prowl and in need of a new wing man/best friend!

Dear Duchovny,

I'm hilarious, SHOULD be in porn rehab (we don't all have bread to burn from being so many HIT SHOWS!), and above all else, I want to believe...

"If My Nozzle" Volume 12: If My Nozzle Could Answer Its Own Questions

Too Comfortable's Hundredth Post!

I - no - We - no, I was right - I - have come so far.

In the words of an English guy trying to fuck your girlfriend, Cheers.

What's That Smell?

Oh.  Someone just took a Crash.

Today's Google "How To:" I Vowed To Stop Doing These Because They're Too Easy, But This One Cracked Me Up

Harvey:  Honey, do you mind if I put the game on?

Jan:  Yeah, actually I do Harvey.  I'm watching this.

Harvey:  See this guthook knife?  I just made it from an old saw blade.  Now, do you want a demonstration, or are you gonna put the fucking game on?

(It's funnier if you picture Harvey being played by Clint Eastwood.)

Good: Volume 2

Good.

Good: Volume 1

Good.

The Filthy Slut That Got Away

And he wouldn't even have had to give her any coke...

Coulda Shoulda Woulda Volume 1: Violating My Own Doctor/Client Privelege

I recently visited a dermatologist due to a patch of dry skin on my thumb. As is often the case, I had the urge to say something that would have been highly inappropriate.

Dermo: Well, clearly you've been picking at it.

Me: No I haven't.

Dermo: Maybe subconsciously?

Me: No.

Dermo: Then there must be something you're finger comes in contact with regularly that you're allergic to.

Me: Well, we know it ain't PUSSY!!!!!!! Hahaha. Get it Doc? Pussy? ...

Google "How To:" Great Tips For Now AND Down The Road

Doug:  Oh man, have you guys tried Lambic Beer?  It's INCREDIBLE!  It hails from the Senne River Valley region of Belgium, and is unusual due to its spontaneous fermentaion with naturally occurring yeast and bacteria.  What's more, the additional punch of oxidized hops as opposed to -

Lou:  Doug?

Doug:  Uh huh?

Lou:  I think you have a drinking problem.

Doug:  I appreciate your opinion and I respect your honesty.

To Every Piece Of Bad Advice, Turn, Turn, Turn

So your kids won't look too gay by comparison.

If My Nozzle Volume 11: If My Nozzle Had Higher Standards

I thought twice about posting this because neither the girl or the situation  are especially appealing.  But then I looked down at my nozzle and thought, "Eh, why not?"

If My Nozzle Were Plain Jane's left hand.

It's been a slow day.

"Money For Nothin"

Speaking of art that's worthless, have you seen Crash?

The Moment I Decided To Start A Blog

What We Couldn't Hear

"Fuck you."

"No.  Fuck YOU."

"Down, Down, Down, And The Flames Went Higher..."

Everything went up in flames, starting with the dude's mom's basement.

Pop Culture Corner With Joe Biden

Democrat V.P. candidate Joe Biden took some time out of his busy train schedule to weigh in on some happenings in the entertainment world.

"That's not change - that's more of the same."

That doesn't make Tim Burton a bad guy, just out of touch...  Though he does strike me as kind of an asshole.

There was a time when I was thinking of making Joe Biden watch Crash, so he'd kill himself and Hillary would be V.P.

If My Nozzle Volume 10: If My Nozzle Were A Microphone And A Solution To My Last Post

Someone's really thinking on their feet.  Not only is this Belkin carrying case designed to accommodate the 120 GB ipod classic, but this promotional image doubles as an "If My Nozzle."

Either my co-worker Andrew Ciesla was tired of my bitching, or he had some time on his hands and wanted to spend it outdoing Gracious' more heavy handed contribution.

Can this "I.M.N.," both humorous and practical, be beaten?  There's still time.  Send your "If My Nozzle" submissions to brendantmclaughlin@yahoo.com.

The contest won't end until I get an "If My Nozzle" from someone I don't know.  There.  I said it.

Release The Sheaths

Not so much.  

I just bought the new Ipod Classic.  I had "I Will Dare" engraved on the back (this comes free) which I'm very excited about.  But that's where the me-getting-what-works-for-me component of the transaction comes to an abrupt halt.

I need to buy a new computer to accommodate the new ipod - but that's not even what I'm bitching about (my computer is way out of date anyway).  I'm bitching about the fact that I just went to the Apple store with goal of buying a leather protective case, or sheath for my new 'pod, only to find that Apple hasn't yet released sheaths designed for their new model.  I was told by a Sophomore in turquoise that I could buy last year's sheath and try to force my new model into it.

I've stuck it in the wrong place before, and I know where that leads (lolwaytooeasyiknow!).  Apple is guilty of the same ruthless, overly eager abandon as George W. Bush, sending their troops into combat without the proper body armor.

"That'll be two-hundred fifty dollars.  And have fun getting it all scratched up when you inevitably drop it during the daily grind, asshole!  Oh, and you can't use it until you get a new computer."  (How could I reasonably not bitch about that?)

The point is, don't put out the product until you can put out the shit we need to take care of it.  

A wake up call to the company that invented the iphone, ipod, itunes and the yet-to-be-unveiled revolutionized Macbook carved out of high grade aluminum with a fucking laser:  RELEASE THE SHEATHS.

Because we need somethin' to stick it in.