Journey vs. Destination: The Perils of Road Head

It's hard to say no, but let's face it: a man's not gonna get where he's going when faced (that'srightiwentthereagain!) with that much sensation behind the wheel. We've seen it time and again.

History, entertainment, literature... Fellas, how many expensive cars and nasty babes do we have to destroy before we understand that when one part of our brains is turned on, another part is switched off.

"Oh yeah, just like that," will never be followed by "Hey, a red light."

"I'm so close! Oh I'm gonna tap that ass!" is never uttered in the same breath as, "That obstruction is pretty close. I better tap my breaks."

A "WHAT'S that?!" of dirty menace seldom doubles as a "What's THAT?" of caution.

I'm all for savoring the journey, but to me that means anticipating the destination; not having the destination bobbing on my weiner before I can appreciate it. I'd rather follow the rainbow and hope for a warm pot of gold at the end of it. I don't want to get there and find my prize money already spent. And people get hurt.

"Hey Warden, Andy Dufresne's Innocent!"

He created 'NSYNC, AND he ratted out a fellow inmate. This guy must be quite a hit in prison.

I guess a guy who made his fortune master-minding boy bands must not know much about NOT getting fucked in the ass.

They Couldn't Afford the House They Got For Free.

After one or two bad loans, the house this family had built for them as a T.V. gift is no longer in their possession. All that work undone...

In a related story, one of the straight dudes from Queer Eye was spotted buying dungarees from Marshalls.

The Next Bad Robin Williams Movie!

It sounds like the mother is a busy executive who was going to move the daughter to London. This was too much for the cooky, no-one-takes-him-seriously, still-reeling-from-the-divorce dad to take.

Why not make it a full Mrs. Doubtfire reunion and cast Sally Field as the mother? Just add Dakota Fanning as the daughter and you've got yourself a hit! The girl from Matilda can... run craft services?

Sigh of RELIEF!

This is a couple whose happiness was really bothering me. It's nice to see them get what was coming to them.

Sometimes guys like that, who believe in things like "romance" and "courage," "the existence of love" and "not dying alone" really just need a swift kick in the nut-sack to keep them in check. All the word-of-mouth organic viral marketing in the world can't save you, big guy. Babes were being Just Friends long before you could scan drawings into you computer for interweb broadcast. Heck, it could have been a cave painting.

"Everybody's gotta learn sometime..."

Do ya think they did it???

The Charge: 2 Counts of Theft, 1 Count of Being a Pussy

You Know You've Made It When You've Raised a Hot Daughter Who Could Well Be Your Hot Wife.

I'd ask who's who, but does it matter?

Yup. He's An Asshole.

This makes me feel a lot better about how talented and successful he is.

Gettin' His Bales Busted

This sounds like a little rough-housing to me. Is it really such a big deal? Me, my mom and my sister are like the Three Stooges. We beat the crap out of each other and listen to Jackson Browne. "Four, they wanna own me, Two, they wanna stone me..." Amen to THAT!

Cunt vs. Cunt

Sounds like that nasty cunt insulted the wrong nasty cunt. Apparently the teacher's defense is that the class was doing a reading of Matilda at the time of the incident and she was reading the Danny Devito part. The father, not the narrator... Wasn't that movie confusing?